In case anyone was wondering, my poetry reading actually ended up going REALLY well. =) I got compliments from a lot of people, many of them complete strangers, including Joyce Sutphen herself! And I even had a couple ladies come up to me and tell me I should submit one of the pieces to the local newspaper, haha. Which I may very well do, as we draw closer to elections--it's a political poem, my attempt at satire, and it got a few good laughs from the audience.

They said I didn't sound nervous at all, which came as a shock to me because I was shaky and headachy and terrified all day. But I did relax once other people started reading, I guess. I kind of saw what was being set up before me and I was like, okay, I can do that.

Definitely an experience I wouldn't mind repeating. =)

Anyway, since I probably won't be on LiveJournal again before Sunday, HAPPY EASTER to everyone who celebrates it. =)  

I mentioned about a month ago I think that I was invited to read on campus alongside Minnesota Poet Laureate Joyce Sutphen.

Well, that reading is tonight. In fact, it starts in less than seven hours.

I have never felt more unprepared for anything. Even though I've practiced a hundred times, I know the poems are good, I know my delivery is good...I still feel unsure of what to say between poems, and I don't know what the format will be like, and I don't even know what to wear.

Last night I had a dream that I overslept--WAY overslept--until three o'clock in the afternoon, missing my afternoon class, which I need to attend to clear up some questions I have about the reading tonight, and leaving me clueless about those questions, then lost my copies of the poems I was to be reading, and then got incredibly lost on the way to the reading and missed the whole thing. I woke up half an hour before my alarm went off certain that it was early afternoon and no one had bothered to wake me.

I know I'm being ridiculous and after this is over I'll be really glad I did it. Everyone is telling me that I'll do fine. For the time being, though, I'm just excited for it to be over. =/

I finally deleted all of my poetry and other creative endeavors from communities. It took me a good hour or so to track them all down (fortunately I have never posted to communities very often). Then I friends-locked the ones that I've posted to my own profile.

There are a good chunk of them I'd like to attempt to get published--many after a bit of revision, some after quite a bit of re-writing--and I'd rather keep them as private as possible until then.

My biggest goal for 2012 was to get some poetry published. =) We'll see how that goes.

Hey there, self. I really like your dark red pajama pants with snowflakes and penguins in pink hats all over it. Especially in March. It goes really well with your turquoise T-shirt and dark blue denim jacket. You sure are smart at coordinating outfits!

...Okay, in all seriousness, I've actually been REALLY productive today. I've got two loads of laundry washed and drying, and two more currently washing; I've brought my boyfriend to work; I'm going grocery shopping tonight as soon as laundry's done; I reorganized the bedroom closet; and I'm probably going to do the dishes later. I don't have to look good. I'm getting a lot done today.  

I think this marks my first big achievement as a writer. I was invited to read at a professional poetry reading on campus! The Poet Laureate from Minnesota, Joyce Sutphen, is speaking on campus in April. A couple poetry professors are doing readings, too, and they were asked to select a couple students to read a poem or two--and I was selected! My professor says he thinks my work would stand up well at the event!

I'm so excited, and honored, and nervous. Truth be told, I have never done a poetry reading before. Ever. Not even to a dozen people at a coffee shop. I don't know what to do! Am I supposed to talk about my work beforehand? How do I introduce myself? How do I introduce my work? Which poems should I even read?

I have no idea what I'm doing. For the time being I'm just trying to regain my composure enough to email my professor back and tell him I'd love to do the reading, but right now if I tried it would probably come out as "ODAFJFKFDASFEOWAFSA;LFJ OMG I WOULD LOVE TO! FUCK YES! FDJAKLFDJ;!!!!!!11" and I don't think that would send a very articulate image of me as a writer. =P

In other writing related news, I've decided that I'm going to attempt to have a chapbook published. I'll probably be submitting in the next couple weeks. I've got a small collection of poetry that I feel is ready for publication. I first need to decide for sure which poems I'm using. I think then I'm going to pull all my poetry off the internet so I can reserve it for other forms of publication.

The company that would publish my chapbook (should it be accepted) would pay 15% royalties. It's not much--if my book is priced the same as the other one they have out thus far, I'd be making a whopping 60 cents per sale. But just having my name in print, and even making a couple dollars off of it, would just feel fantastic to me. I have no idea what kind of circulation they have, but I do know that the other chapbook they produced was sold out last time I checked. Either way, I think it would be totally worth it!

I feel so immersed in writing right now. Between two creative writing classes, a literature class, seeing Sherman Alexie speak a couple weeks ago (he is HILARIOUS!), this upcoming poetry reading...I feel like a writer, I really do. I'm really surrounded by and immersed in the thing I love the most, and it's such a wonderful feeling.

I haven't been posting to LiveJournal much anymore. I've been keeping most of my day-to-day updates on another site. But that other site makes me angry sometimes.

2012 has been off to a really rough start on me. Just to give a brief recap, so far this year:

::Boyfriend's tooth cracked in half at work, causing him to finally suck it up and go to the dentist. He doesn't have insurance, but at that point it couldn't be avoided. After two appointments, we have found out his dental bills will, in the end, total over $6,000.

::My car started making a funny noise. I brought it in to find that, while the source of the noise was not an immediate concern, the repairs that will need to be done on my car within the next six to nine months will total roughly $1,400.

::My boyfriend got violently ill a couple weeks ago and ended up so dehydrated he was on the verge of going into shock. He ended up having to go to the ER after alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for over twelve hours, throwing up bile, and passing out from dehydration.

::My boyfriend applied for MinnesotaCare, our state-run healthcare and dental insurance program. He got a package today of information for program options and a bill for his first premium, alongside a letter saying his coverage has been denied. So, best case scenario, we deal with confusion until we can figure out whether he's actually been accepted or not; worst case scenario, he's been denied and we have to pay for all of the dental and medical bills out of pocket.

::We had been making fairly solid plans to move into a house when our lease was up at the end of August, provided our roommate was okay with it. Those plans have now been canceled due to all of the aforementioned troubles.

::Boyfriend applied for a promotion that he was more than qualified for...and got denied.

As you can see, it's been mostly rough on my poor boyfriend, but both of us are suffering with the frustration of all of it. Of course, yes, there have been some good points, too. But it's been stressful, and maintaining optimism has gotten downright exhausting and I don't know how much longer I can do it.

I posted to the aforementioned other site today about this stuff, specifically about the potential denial of healthcare coverage, and some 14-year-old girl comments that she had a bad day too and she knows how I feel. Her bad day? Her friends called her names in school today.

I took the high road and told her I'm sorry and I hope she's feeling better and finds better friends, because I remember what it was like to be fourteen and to feel like things like that were the end of the world. But part of me wants to slap her because, seriously, she has no idea how I feel.

I hate that phrase in general, but especially in circumstances like this.

And I know, I know. First world problems. Someone else out there has it a hell of a lot worse than I do. But I'm not about to tell a homeless man, "Hey, I can't afford to move from an apartment to a house, so I know how you feel!"

ETA: Boyfriend just got a call from MinnesotaCare. He was, in fact, accepted! I don't know how much of the existing bills it's going to cover, but it's going to help and maybe we'll be able to sort out some plans for the year after all. I'm so relieved!

Christmas Eve, I generally spend at my mom's house; Christmas Day at Grandma's. I'm not Christian or really remotely religious, but for me it's a time of family togetherness and that's the most important thing in the world to me.

Then, New Year's Eve is always spent with my BFFsandiabb and we get together and journal and exchange journals and talk about our New Year's plans and reminisce on the year and what we will do differently next year and it's kind of a tradition. =) Because...we can.

I often worry that someday I won't be able to get out of bed in the morning for fear of...everything. I'm scared that someday I'll have to take an anxiety pill before I can even get out of bed because otherwise I just won't be able to face my day.

Lately I worry about absolutely everything. I worry about my mom not being able to find a job. I worry about my dad working two jobs, old as he's getting. I worry about my own finances. I worry about losing my job, which I honestly do believe I'm getting close to. I worry about getting sick. I worry about people I love getting sick. I worry about things that aren't even happening yet, like having to drive in the harsh winter weather over icy roads and graduating from college and not being able to find a job and even things about when I have my own family someday, a long time from now.

I can't stop. I don't take naps lately because I'm tired. I take naps to take a break from thinking and worrying. I'm starting to really scare myself. I'm honestly starting to want to try medication, but I don't want to end up stuck on it for the rest of my life like my mom is. She's already resigned to the fact that she'll never be able to get off her meds and still be able to handle her life.

I'm sorry if this seems to be coming out of left field. It's something I generally try to avoid verbalizing because...I don't know why. Because maybe I'm worried that if I talk about the things that worry me, they'll get worse. Or maybe I feel like if I do my best to ignore the worry it will eventually go away. But it isn't, and I hate it, and I'm sick of feeling like this.

I may have finally found a job that allows me to keep my current pay rate! The only reason I've stuck with FLS for so long is that it pays $12 an hour and anything else would drop that by at least 25%. But I've found another company whose starting base pay is $12 an hour...which took me three years to get to at my current job.




I submitted a resume this week to ING Direct. They have an office here in St. Cloud. It's a much more professional environment, and it's a job that not only doesn't require me to call for something I don't believe in, but the best part? NO MORE COLD-CALLING. I'm so sick of getting yelled at, cussed at, hung up on, the works, all because someone didn't want my phone call and doesn't care that I'm a human being on the other end of the line.

I'm seriously at my wit's end at FLS. If I don't quit soon, I'm bound to end up getting fired. I have no motivation whatsoever for this job. When you get to the point where you leave work at night and you're already thinking, Fuck, I have to go back tomorrow, you know it's probably time to leave that job. ING is a company that I really respect--hell, I wouldn't even mind being a customer of theirs. Plus I think I could learn a lot through this job. And maybe not working with politics anymore will revive my interest in politics. I've just been too burnt out on that crap because of work the last few months.

At any rate, I applied yesterday, and by last night I got an email saying they had reviewed my resume, inviting me to their career fair (which was this afternoon), and letting me know that if I'm unable to make it to that, I can call and schedule a phone interview. I called this morning, and they will be calling me at 11:30 Monday morning for my phone interview!

I know I'll do well on the phone interview--after all, I've spent most of my adult life (and some of my teenage life) in telephone-based employment. It's the in person interview I'm paranoid about.

And if I get this job, I have to buy an entire new wardrobe--we're required to dress "business casual." (Between that and submitting my first actual resume, this definitely feels more like a grown-up job than my current one!) But I think it will be a worthwhile investment. I've been desperate for something new for a long time.

They put her down today.

We got her when I was three years old. She was my BABY. She would have been nineteen in a couple months.



I'm going to spend a good deal of time crying over the next few days, kthxbai.

The first time I saw her
I was three years old.

Mommy and daddy and brother and I
All sat in the corner of the pet store
Surrounded by a waist-high red wall
And the manager brought her to us.
“She's a Miniature Pinscher,” she said
And I didn't know what that meant
But as soon as I saw her I was hers.

You could have tied a string
to her stubby little tail
And she would have woven us
the web of a dream catcher.
Running to mommy, then daddy
Then to brother, then me
Again and again;
She wouldn't, couldn't stop
Not even long enough
For a pet or cuddle or kiss.

But mommy said, “She's too expensive.”
We left the pet store without her
And I cried the whole way home.

Later, Daddy left to run errands.
“I'll be back in an hour,” he said
And an hour later he returned--
With a kennel and a leash
And our little Lulybelle.

“Now, we have to take responsibility for her,”
Mommy said, and I didn't know what that meant
But I looked into her eyes and I knew she was mine.

I wrote that for the "memory poem" prompt for my Poetry class. I wasn't going to upload this to the internet until after the semester ended, but then again I should have known Lucy wouldn't make it that long.



12.3.92 - 9.29.11

List ten things, people, places, beings, thoughts, feelings, that you love that begin with that letter and then post that list on your journal.

sandiabb gave me the letter Y.

1. Yahtzee
2. Yakko (and Wakko and Dot)
3. YMCA (the song)
4. Yaks. Odd, maybe, but you tell me this thing isn't adorable, in its own derpy way.

5. Youth
6. Yuletide
7. Yolk (of an egg, obviously--I know, I'm weird, that's most peoples' least favorite part)
8. Yoda
9. YouTube (minus the commenters)
10. Your mom.

She had to give me a difficult letter, didn't she? =( For some reason I could think only of things I DISlike--yellow, the Yankees, yardwork, yellowjackets... I used a dictionary to help with a couple of them, haha.

It's been a stressful few weeks lately and there have been a lot of repercussions. I'm just working hard to keep my head above water. So far, so good. School is providing a lot of challenges, but at least they're fun challenges, so there's that.

I just feel really out of it right now. I'd take a nap, if I didn't still have an assload of homework to do for my Fiction class.

...when I mentioned in my last post that my friend broke the bowling alley:



This is the poor kid working at the bowling alley as he attempts to put the back panels back together. You'll see the bowling ball in the gutter in the lane in which we weren't bowling...it spun for about 30 seconds after it fell back on the lane, after having flown high enough into the air to hit that back panel and come back down again.

Poor bowling alley employee.

Good God this weekend was a roller coaster.

Today was...interesting.

For starters, my mom informed me that they're going to put our oldest dog, Lucy, to sleep this month. I mentioned this the last time they thought they'd have to put her down, but she's my baby--we've had her since I was three years old, and picking her out at the pet store is one of the earliest memories I have of my life.

I told her I wanted her to call me when they did. I would rather know than just go home one day and not see her there. I wouldn't be prepared for that. But when they do I am going to call in to work with a death in the family, and god damn it they are going to accept that as an excuse. My pets are my babies, I take that very seriously, and a dog that I grew up with is no exception. I can't remember a time before we had her.

I spent about half an hour crying after mom told me. This time it's for sure--mom said it breaks her heart to see her walking into things all the time because she can't see. She would be 19 in three months, so she's lived quite the lifespan for a dog. As soon as mom figures out what her checks will be like on unemployment, they're going to arrange the budget so we can have her put down. If they can afford it, they'll keep her ashes. I always thought keeping a pet's ashes was weird, but I think Lucy is the exception. We've had her for so long. She's as much a part of the family as I am, honestly.

Anyway, after that bit of news (before I make myself cry again), Sarah, Anthony, Tim, Ashley, Sandy, Andrew, Allen, Rita, Amy, and I went bowling. (It was good for me. I desperately needed a distraction, after the whole weekend and the news from this afternoon.) Now THAT was an adventure! Sarah bowled a split, which Andrew wanted to pick up because for some reason he loves that.

Well, Andrew fucked up.

He threw the ball so hard that it rocked back and forth in the gutter before...well, that black triangular thing between the lanes? It used that as a ramp, flew up into the air, and bounced off the back panels above the pins before landing in the lane to the right, still spinning. The panels fell down with a loud KA-BOOM! and I'm surprised we weren't kicked out. The poor kid that had been running the cash register was the only one working, and I'm pretty sure we gave him more work and excitement than he'd bargained for today.

It was probably good timing anyway. There were way too many people there and some of them were getting sick of bowling after a game and a half. My brother told the guy working there to refund us for the last game and give the money to himself as a tip, haha.

Aaaaand then the van broke. Not my vehicle, but the Martinez's van. I don't know all the details but for simplicity's sake I'll say this: We were in town a lot longer than I meant to be. It was about quarter past four by the time we finally left Mankato--I had wanted to be home by six. (Keep in mind here the bowling alley is half an hour away from my parents' house where my car and all my stuff was, and from my parents' house to my apartment is about a two and a half hour drive.) I had a mini-breakdown because after all the stress of the weekend I just really, really wanted to go home, even though parts of the weekend were beyond awesome. My anxiety and tension levels were running high and I just...needed to GTFO.

I did, however, get a hug from my brother before I left. And this was a hug after three whole days of not a single derogatory or degrading comment, not a single suggestion of my inferiority...Even though he did say and do some things that really bothered me, that's still an incredible accomplishment.

Overall, this weekend was...intense, I guess? It couldn't decide whether to be incredibly awesome or incredibly shitty. Either way, it gave me a lot to think about.

I'm still not sure whether coming home was worth it. =/

Okay, I take that back. I know I'm not going to regret coming home. I'm glad I did, no matter how tense it has been. I know I would have been mad at myself if I hadn't come, and my brother would probably have been under the impression that I simply didn't care he was in town, which is definitely not true and I don't want him to feel like that.

Nonetheless, I can't say it's been completely pleasant.

( Long post is long. )

Okay, first of all? Thanks to stealing old old OLD icons comically_so made approximately 35 years ago (okay, more like five), I have more icons (and .gifs, too) than I really know what to do with.

Conclusion?

I NEED A PAID LJ ACCOUNT.

I figured out a way to get out of work today without getting in trouble, and it's STUPIDLY simple and I don't know why I didn't think of it last night. For some reason I was thinking my only option (since I'm terrible at faking sick and they usually try to make you come in anyway) was to just pull a No Call, No Show. Except an NCNS would get me written up, no doubt, and even though I know they wouldn't fire me over it (not after three and a half years of near-perfect attendance), I would have been paranoid about more serious ramifications all weekend.

And then this morning, the first thought in my head when I woke up was the realization that I could just lie and call in saying Boyfriend forgot I had to work today and took the car.

=D

There's always the possibility that they'll be all "Well why can't you take the bus? If it's too far, why can't you take the bus to where your boyfriend works and pick up the car? Why can't you call someone to get a ride? BLAH BLAH BLAH" but I know who's running the shift today and he's a really chill guy so unless the center manager decides to answer the phone (I'm sincerely hoping not), I should be able to escape getting the third degree.

Fingers crossed.

Now, the question remains: What the ever-loving fuck am I going to get my brother for his birthday?

**

Still nervous as fuck about this weekend. I've been ridiculously excited for the last two weeks, mostly by keeping myself firmly rooted in a state of denial. Here's to hoping shit goes smoothly.  

Tomorrow is my thirteenth consecutive day of work. Thirteen days in a row at the hellhole I call my place of employment, in conjunction with the first two weeks of a new semester, an assload of expenses, and some really shitty news.

This weekend is supposed to make up for all that. My brother is going to be in from out of state, and we're having this big get-together shindig that's supposed to be all awesome and shit, and I've been excited about it for two weeks because my only alternative is facing the fact that my brother and I simply don't get along and it's probably going to be a catastrophe. I keep telling my boyfriend not to worry about my brother liking him (it'll be the first time they've met) and I'm being honest there--I'm not that worried about it. I'm more worried about whether he'll like me.

I just feel like no matter how far I get in life, how much I prove myself to everyone around me (and to myself even), he's always going to see me as that annoying teenage girl he had to walk home from school with. Always. And I feel like he's never going to see me as an equal.

I'm having a complete meltdown now because I have to work tomorrow. It's not even the fact that I have to work. It's the fact that having to work means I can't buy my brother a birthday present. I don't know why that matters so much to me. It's like some part of my brain thinks that if I buy him a birthday present, all of a sudden he'll think I'm an amazing sister and our entire relationship will change. Or if I don't buy him a birthday present he's going to think I just don't care and I'm inconsiderate and the entire weekend will be a waste.

I don't even know why I care. So many people spend their entire fucking lives not talking to their sibling or some other family member and they are perfectly content with that. But for some reason this huge part of my life feels like it hinges on finally earning my big brother's approval. It's stupid, and I know it is. And I know a birthday present isn't going to change a goddamn thing. But for some reason--maybe just because it's 2am and I'm fucking tired and I'm sick of responsibility--it feels like it would at least be a start and I just hate life and the universe for keeping me from being able to do that one stupid simple little gesture.

Am-I-Dumb.com - How Dumb Are You?



32% Geek

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Sites

Actually pretty disappointed in that one.


ALSO.

Post to your journal with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. Those who get tagged need to blog your own journal with those 10 weird things/habits/little known facts. Then choose 6 people to be tagged and list their LJ names. No tag backs.


1. I own about 20 pairs of high heels. This isn't surprising to my close friends, who know I love shoes; however, my coworkers are more than a little stunned upon hearing this, as I generally go to work in jeans and an oversized t-shirt (sometimes even sweatpants because I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK.)


2. I have OCD, in the form of counting. Constantly. I spend the entirety of a six hour work shift five to six days a week counting in my notebook. People see my pages upon pages of numbers and look at me like I'm crazy. Which, I must remind myself, I sort of am.


3. I have an unhealthy love of cheesy 80s synth-pop and even cheesier 90s EVERYTHING. (Exept the clothing. I think we could all do without 90s fashion.)


4. My body is incredibly sensitive to caffeine. If I drink a can of soda in less than two hours, it usually makes me sick. And one can of soda is enough to have me completely wired for hours on end. (Unfortunately, that may be why I can't take Excedrin Migraine on an empty stomach. It makes me go all funny.)



WILL COME UP WITH SIX MORE WHEN I COME BACK BECAUSE I'M COOL LIKE THAT. HOPEFULLY I DON'T FORGET AND DELETE THE SAVED DRAFT BECAUSE THAT WOULD KIND OF SUCK. GOD DAMN IT I HAVE TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM AND ANTHONY IS IN THERE AND HOLY WOW IT'S WARM IN HERE WTF.


I'm keeping that little reminder there. I actually just put that there to remind myself, HEY DUMBASS, don't delete this, you have to finish these memes at some point! and I would have deleted it when I actually got around to finishing the meme. But I'm keeping it now. Because I'm awesome.

5. I used to think puns were the dumbest things around. But thanks to comically_so, I can't NOT laugh at them and I now make them constantly. >.< *shakes fist* But god do I love her top hat.

6. Every time I write something new, I end up hating it a couple months later. It doesn't matter how awesome I thought it was at the time that I wrote it.

7. If I could have any pet, no matter how dangerous and barring all legal restrictions in my area, I would have a pet lynx. The kittens are the cutest things in the world and even the full grown ones are just BEAUTIFUL creatures.

8. I'm subscribed to more writing communities than I can really keep track of, if I include all my different LJ communities as individual ones. (If I don't, I believe there are six or seven.) I don't use most of them as regularly as I used to though.

9. I have the world's smallest bladder. Seriously. (I'm mainly putting this here because god damn it I have to pee and I've done so twice in the last three hours already.)

10. My first female celebrity crush was Ciara. I thought she was just so damn cute in the "Oh" video. I think I was 15.

And I can't wait to start LiveJournaling regularly again because I just stole a TON of icons that comically_so made pretty much forever ago. I just need to...oh wait. That whole paid account thing. I should fix that. Someday. Eventually.

I miss when everyone was super active on LJ. =( I need to get more LJ friends. Or more RL friends to join LJ. Or something.

Anyway, I'm just posting here because I'm bored. I've spent the last hour or so reading my roommate's old LJ posts because why the fuck not. I'm talking OLD LJ posts, from YEARS ago.  She needs to LJ again. HINT HINT.

Mostly I just miss when I'd make a post and, you know, more than one person would comment. When I had lots of different people to look forward to talking to on here every day. LJ used to be so ACTIVE. Now everyone's moved on to Tumblr. Fucking TUMBLR. What the fuck is so great about TUMBLR? You can post .gifs and pictures here too, guys! *sadface*

Damn it, I totally have some great sadface icons I could use, too, if I had a paid account...

Anyway, I'm just posting to waste time. More people should do that. It would give me great happiness.

HINT HINT SANDY AND SARAH.

Well, it's a given that they'll read the Harry Potter series and the LotR series and The Hobbit.

I also will read them "Love You Forever" when they're little. My mom used to read that to me all the time and to this day it is one of my favorites. <3

I also hope my future children love Jean Craighead George books as much as I did, and Roald Dahl of COURSE. And hopefully "A Secret Garden."

Maybe Louis Sachar. The Wayside School books are cute, and I loved Holes. But those aren't absolute necessities.

So many favorite books from childhood. <3 I really hope my future children grow up to love literature as much as I did/do.

I wrote this, apparently, at the end of November, 2009. I kind of like how it came out. It was an entry for some contest or another on the forums of another writing site I frequent. I recently discovered it on my old account for that web site (don't tell anyone...you're not supposed to have more than one account, even if you delete the older one). It's pretty simplistic and might be kind of lame, but whatever.


**



( It kinda feels like it's falling down on us, doesn't it? )


**



I don't know. I like the characters more than I like the plot. *shrug* But that's usually how I am. I suck at plots.